Only If....

And some day like this , I could only reflect upon the roads not taken, trips not made, calls not received, hands not held, not greeting more and paying visit frequently... often to the ones who matter.

And so they remain

Again we had to pack our lives in the trunk and move. Every morning I basked in sun in the lush green lawn, hugged the tamarind and mango trees at nightfall, danced in rain and watched the birds frantically flying to their nests and the century old neem tree stood testimony to all my love and tears. Its been a few months since then. While I was still reminiscing over my heliconias, duck flowers and lemon trees which are either mercilessly plucked away or decimated to ground, a video popped up from the ongoing conflict of Israel and Hamas war. It was of a beautiful home or remains of it. Strewn were framed photographs of the family members, heaps of broken plates, framework of furniture, toys, burnt curtains, clothes, greeting cards and bedsheets but surprisingly the garden was left unscathed. Flowers dangling from the branches, plants in the short drive way looking fresh. The green leaves remain but the green fingers are nowhere. The transience and unpredictability of life is baffling yet its the ultimate Truth. But at this moment, I wish the garden there to bloom with laughter of children, not rockets but buzzing of the bees to fill the air, not fear but motley colured wings of the butterfly to invade each flower. I realized being happy and to absorb the present to the fullest is a treasure for future. Therefore at this moment I relive the wonderful times again, glad for today, contented with everyone and everything around, and not at all dejected or regretful of what has gone by.

Budding but not blooming

Budding yet not blooming! It's been days that the Tiger Lily bulb which is full of promises, devoid of the ultimate expression. I stood for a while thinking what could have gone wrong. The sunlight, potting soil, the pot, watering all measured to perfection yet the subdued orange bulb wont open up to the world. Once a beautiful bright red hibiscus bud was completely devoured by equally firey ants. I kept waiting for the bloom then, too. Will the lily bud meet the same fate? Or It's just matrix of time...it will undoubtedly spread its magnificent petals one fine morning kissing the dews, fliring with the sun and swaying with the wind...?!? I'm certain many amongst us feel the same way. Budding with possibilities, pregnant with promises, teeming with ideas, loaded with potential and yet... for me, I dont know how to bloom. But I am all prepared and setting my crown straight and waiting for the moment.

Today

To know that everything will end one day makes living exciting or being oblivious of the inevitable closure of life makes every moment worth celebrating? Being ignorant as a child or being mindless as a lunatic makes us seize the day? 

Mostly, being aware of our mortality makes us honour the present. As waking up tomorrow , bathing in the sunlight is a miracle and this doubt makes us fearful. So we clutch onto today before it slips away. 

We lost many todays, haven't we?

Feel Again

There was a time when I got things whatever I wanted. Sometimes by pleading, attimes by throwing tantrums. It could be a doll, a cake, ice cream or a pencil box. And it made me think that I was powerful and invincible enough to convince elders to submit to my demands. Quite condescending I guess! Little realizing that those little things which I got were symbols of love and affection. Certain things which I failed to get I conviniently forgot about them as all small children do. As I grew up I figured that broken hearts could not be fixed. Childhood friends become distant. Loved ones fade away into oblivion. Complexities of life and situations are something to deal with, there is nothing to win or lose but to float along. For a while I felt enfeebled,shaken. Then going through the vagaries of life I learnt to accept what I cannot change. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes grudgingly. But there are some moments where I want to feel powerful again just like a child, grab and get whatever I want!

Not curious enough

I was in a rush. Moms always are.It was way past bedtime and yet my boy who was suffering from throat infection held the glass in his left hand and looked lost and engrossed in the yellow lukewarm water. It was grandma's remedy to gargle with turmeric and salt water. 

I reitierated and reminded him once more in an anxious tone to do the needful. 

Then I tapped his back and urged to utilize the time. He seemed nonchalant but intently looking at the water.

 " Mumma, I could see the creation of a planet here," spoke Jai with thrill in his voice and glint in his eyes. I raised my right brow in surprise and visibly disconcerted. I was about to push him one more time to do the required job.

 But with an expression mixed with astonishment and desperation he asked ," Why do you forget to be curious when you grow up?" I was bemused more. "Come here, mumma , and see," he ushered me to look into the glass. "You stiirred the salt and turmeric powder in water and after a while the miniscule yellow particles came from diffferent places, as if attracted by something in a central point and merged together on the surface of the water...," he excitedly continued without taking a breath, "That's how planets are formed too in space.It's so intersting and I can see it here." And he walked away with euphoria in his stride. 

I stood there for a while. Am I really stuck with charting duties and doing things within a stipulated time that I have forgotten to see the every day little miracles in everything around me?

 I donot lead a fast and furious life but the element to be delighted in regular things, finding something new in everday affair, to derive fun in the most mundane stuff is dwindling away. A child can see and feel the universe in a glass and I feel overburdened even when standing under the vast sky twinkling with stars. What am I seeking?

 And I decided to the let the child in me bloom again.