The Tamed Bohemian

 Just like a tumultuous sea, the storm inside me is brewing up. The moment I reached forty days are rolling past quickly as incessant waves and I can see the horizon and a fast fifty approaching. Confounded a bit but mostly oscillating between the role of a homemaker and a stage to put forth my creativity. Today, I am not writing about any topic, I am just going with the flow of my feelings and they are not to be tamed here now. I scratch my head where to start now! Going back to newspaper I would have to start from the beginning I suppose. Thats a torture for me now. Teaching for few months gave me good exposure, insightful experience but again that has a time bound routine. 

Writer? Thats a possibility but will I get readers? Okay self doubt is ones worst enemy, yes, I too believe so. I am 43 and I feel like I am standing alone in a deserted bus stop somehow waiting for the last bus to arrive. I can sketch a bit, write fairly, love to go for long walks and occasional run...then what? I love to strum guitar but that's in a nascent stage and now anyone reading this would ask me, woman what do you want from life? 

Can I do a cookery show? No...there are millions doing the cookery show and I cook to survive. My kids and husband might differ for due politeness and happiness but mostly I frown when I cook! I do cook sumptuous dishes , a rare show and I owe that to my East Bengal (now Bangladesh) bloodline.

The cactus and ivy are equally beautiful to be and I find music even when the crickets call in the dark. So, my point is Gardening and hydroponics can be an option but I better continue to do them a s hobby. That is great till we have a lawn or garden or a fairly spacious place..but what after that?

Then what do I want? 

Recognition? Not bad.

Some Earning? Definitely not bad.

A commitment that would soothe my soul...if that can earn me recognition, then I am all for it. But the question is reiterated again ... what work?

I feel that I should start a podcast, write and read out my stories, musings, observations or at times read stories of my favourite authors. Will it work and finally I could be gratified? Technology does not come to me easily and I have to unabashedly ask my children to tutor me about podcasts , just they ask me for an exclusive TV Time or computer time. I can bargain against that! After 17 years of marriage and two kids one can argue and  bargain a lot on their favour. And Youtube tutorial videos are always there flocking you like over enthusiastic guides in a tourist spot. 

Its a weird age that I have entered. All emotions and feelings with heavy concoction is crazily flowing in my head and heart. I am stuck in a twilight zone, want to glow once more with all splendour before darkness engulfs. I do not regret the time spent with my husband and kids, being with them at home is my decision which I cherish, but I have the residual energy and knack to learn something new coupled with a will to perform something...and be good at that something to my satisfaction. 

Now this "Something" is what I'm seeking. 

The Library, the Garden and Ruskin

 

" If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero. Well in that sense I am rich. 

With kids, dog , trunks and cartons we shifted to Ahmedabad Cantt. This hundred year grand old bungalow is now our house for the next two years. It has a good space in the wall dedicated for books in one of the rooms and the nice small library opens up to the garden. And Ruskin Bond has taken the lions share! From The Room on The Roof to The Song of India, from Dust in the Mountains to A Face in the Dark , from The Maharani to The Blue Umbrella Mr. Bond reclines on almost every available space leaving very little for other authors. My kids do endeavour to push in a few Wimpy Kid and Harry Potter books, they succeed for the time being as I am scouting to get another book shelf where only Ruskin will rule as he reigns my thoughts!

The garden has just started to take shape. With my cactus plants, bleeding hearts, lilies, hibiscus and roses , palms and many other plants trying to get themselves adjusted to the new soil. My geraniums could not survive the journey, allamanda vine seem to dry up for now and the grape vine has been eaten up by bugs. I am a beginner as far as gardening is concerned and therefore become quite sentimental . But there are many plants showing some promise and promises keep you going.