Just like a tumultuous sea, the storm inside me is brewing up. The moment I reached forty days are rolling past quickly as incessant waves and I can see the horizon and a fast fifty approaching. Confounded a bit but mostly oscillating between the role of a homemaker and a stage to put forth my creativity. Today, I am not writing about any topic, I am just going with the flow of my feelings and they are not to be tamed here now. I scratch my head where to start now! Going back to newspaper I would have to start from the beginning I suppose. Thats a torture for me now. Teaching for few months gave me good exposure, insightful experience but again that has a time bound routine.
Writer? Thats a possibility but will I get readers? Okay self doubt is ones worst enemy, yes, I too believe so. I am 43 and I feel like I am standing alone in a deserted bus stop somehow waiting for the last bus to arrive. I can sketch a bit, write fairly, love to go for long walks and occasional run...then what? I love to strum guitar but that's in a nascent stage and now anyone reading this would ask me, woman what do you want from life?
Can I do a cookery show? No...there are millions doing the cookery show and I cook to survive. My kids and husband might differ for due politeness and happiness but mostly I frown when I cook! I do cook sumptuous dishes , a rare show and I owe that to my East Bengal (now Bangladesh) bloodline.
The cactus and ivy are equally beautiful to be and I find music even when the crickets call in the dark. So, my point is Gardening and hydroponics can be an option but I better continue to do them a s hobby. That is great till we have a lawn or garden or a fairly spacious place..but what after that?
Then what do I want?
Recognition? Not bad.
Some Earning? Definitely not bad.
A commitment that would soothe my soul...if that can earn me recognition, then I am all for it. But the question is reiterated again ... what work?
I feel that I should start a podcast, write and read out my stories, musings, observations or at times read stories of my favourite authors. Will it work and finally I could be gratified? Technology does not come to me easily and I have to unabashedly ask my children to tutor me about podcasts , just they ask me for an exclusive TV Time or computer time. I can bargain against that! After 17 years of marriage and two kids one can argue and bargain a lot on their favour. And Youtube tutorial videos are always there flocking you like over enthusiastic guides in a tourist spot.
Its a weird age that I have entered. All emotions and feelings with heavy concoction is crazily flowing in my head and heart. I am stuck in a twilight zone, want to glow once more with all splendour before darkness engulfs. I do not regret the time spent with my husband and kids, being with them at home is my decision which I cherish, but I have the residual energy and knack to learn something new coupled with a will to perform something...and be good at that something to my satisfaction.
Now this "Something" is what I'm seeking.
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